


im just so sick of being human

by orphan_account



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Body Dysphoria, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, M/M, No Plot/Plotless, Oneshot, Purging, Vomiting, josh has body and muscle dysphoria
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-10-15 21:43:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10558176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Josh isn't perfect.He's too fat, he's not fit enough, he needs more exercise.He needs to be perfect for Tyler so Tyler can love him more.





	

**Author's Note:**

> //tw for starvation, overexercising and depression things idk  
> also fat shaming !! eds are not fun :(  
> if you want to put it into a bmi calculator, josh is 5'8 in this

Josh was too fat.

He wasn't fit enough either.

That's what his parents said, he needed to be healthier. He was too fat.

Tyler on the other hand, was beautiful.

He was thin, had just the right amount of muscle, and wasn't anywhere near how disgusting Josh looked.

Josh was so _fat._

* * *

 

Josh sighed as he walked into school, feeling his rolls rub against eachother, the fat jiggling around. He felt disgusting. He _was_ disgusting. He was here early for his daily sprint around the track. Even if he missed it, though, he sprinted to school.

He dropped his backpack beside the track, starting to make his way around. He hadn't eaten for about three days, he was too fat for food. Josh was so mad at himself as he got winded just starting out, he nearly cried as his feet hit the ground harder than they should of, his thighs chafing eachother and sweat making its way between his rolls. Josh skidded to a stop as he reached the end, trying not to fall onto the grass panting so he could exercise.

Josh started to do his exercise routine. This was how he was going to get those muscles in place of his fat. Maybe then Tyler would adore him, maybe then would people swoon over him like they did with Tyler, wishing that he was single. He stopped halfway through his second run through of it as the bell rung, wiping away the sweat that built up on his forehead. He took a large swig of his water bottle, eyeing his arm. God, it was so disgusting. Fat covered every inch of his arm, and the rest of his body. He didn't even notice Tyler walking up to him as he crumpled to the ground and sobbed.

"Josh? What's wrong?" the beautiful boy asked, crouching beside him, "What happened?" Josh didn't respond. His cheeks were so fat that they clogged up his mouth. "Can you speak?" he had asked, Josh shaking his head slightly. He didn't want to be reminded of his chins. "Can I touch you?" a no.

Tyler sat beside him, "Do you want to hold my hand?" he had asked, Josh gently taking his thin hand in his. God, his hand was so perfectly balanced between thinness and muscle-ness. It was such a contrast to Josh's fat fat hand. Once Josh finally calmed down, Tyler decided to talk to him.

"What happened? I saw you exercising and _jesus_ , Josh, you looked like you were about to pass out," he sighed, a pang of guilt hitting the red haired boy. He was so out of shape, why was he so out of shape? If he was in shape he wouldn't break a sweat doing his 100 pushups or 300 situps. Of course there was more to his exercise but fit people don't get winded when they exercise, especially like his routine. It at least burned off the calories and built his muscle.

"I-i'm fine. I d-do it ever-ry day, i-it's just r-really hot ou-ut here," he lied, not wanting to tell Tyler about his thoughts. Tyler looked at him as if he just pulled out a gun, it's probably just him noticing the disgusting fat lining every inch of his body, the lack of any fitness. He was so disgusting. Why did he even come to school? He knew everyone stared at him as he walked, every movement making his body jiggle. He was so fat.

"Every day?" Tyler questioned after a moment of silence, mouth slightly agape as Josh nodded, "Josh, I-i don't think that's healthy. I saw you r-running around the track, you almost fell a few times."

Of course he almost fell, his fat weighing him down. "It-it's fine. I'm fine, T-tyler."

He wasn't fine.

* * *

Josh got home in a panicked frenzy, lungs closing in on him. He had gone out with Tyler today, he couldn't say no to Tyler because he had already paid. Josh dropped his stuff and barely shut the door, immediately making his way into the bathroom and ignoring the questioning voices of his parents. He locked the door and dropped to his knees in front of the toilet, forcing his fingers inside his mouth and back into his throat. He needed to get rid of this before it got into his system, he didn't want to get even fatter. God, he was such a pig. Such a disgusting fucking pig. His body convulsed as he started to vomit, soon turning to just bile. Josh's chest heaved as tears ran down his cheeks, throat and mouth burning. It was a relaxing, almost welcoming feeling.

He fell onto his side, wiping his eyes. Everything hurt but it was okay, the food was gone. He got up on shaky legs and flushed the toilet, walking to his scale. He stood on it, the numbers reading _'101'_. Oh no, oh no this wasn't real. He'd gained 4 pounds, no this couldn't be happening. He was so fucking close and now he's 4 pounds extra away. Before he knew it Josh was curled up in a ball, in a worse panic than before. He was so stupid, so fucking stupid. He should have just thrown his food away when Tyler went to the bathroom. He's so fucking stupid.

Josh got up after he'd gotten the strength to, making his way out and running. He headed into the forest, a full sprint the whole way. Josh wiped his forehead and went into a clearing, starting to do his exercise routine he had. Why was he so fat? He could feel every inch of it on his body, he was so disgusted with himself. Why couldn't he just be fit?

* * *

He stepped into school for the day, a sweater tightly wrapped around him. It's so cold, he's so cold. Tyler walked up beside him, a grin on his perfect face.

"Hello, beautiful," he purred, glancing over and his expression changing, "Whoa, Josh. It's like 89 degrees out here, why are you wearing a sweater?"

"I'm cold, i-it's cold," he mumbled, hands shaking. He just wanted to curl in a ball and die, eyes heavy lidded from lack of sleep. Everything was so sore, everything was so cold.

"Josh, are you okay? Do you want to step outside?" Tyler stopped Josh with two gentle hands on his fat shoulders, earning a slow nod from the smaller boy. He nodded back, leading him out.

"What happened?" asked Tyler as they sat down outside of the school, Josh still pulling his sleeves over his hands.

"I-i'm s-so cold, and t-tired, and I don't kn-now why," he whined, voice faded and quiet.

"It's not cold out here, Josh. I'm practically sweating. You need to take that off before you overheat."

"No," he said too quickly, flinching away from Tyler's hand. This wasn't right, he wasn't right.

"Please, Josh," the younger begged, biting his lip with worry. Josh sighed and obliged, tugging off his sweater and leaving himself in a t-shirt, "Oh."

"W-what i-is it?" said Josh, immediately looking up with a panicked expression. He was going to notice how fat he was, how terrible he looked. He was just disgusting.

"You're... you're bone thin, Josh. You always hide underneath your sweater so I haven't noticed, but holy shit. What happened to you?" Tyler looked shocked. He was lying, Josh wasn't anywhere near thin. He was so fucking fat.

"I'm not thin, Ty-yler. I-i hi-hide under m-my sw-sweater be-ecause I d-didn't w-want y-you to se-see m-my disgust-sting body."

"J-josh, you aren't disgusting. I can't believe I w-was so oblivious to this, I'm sorry, Josh," the other sighed, "You're nowhere near disgusting, y-you're just beautiful and I d-don't know why you would do th-this to yourself," Tyler was crying now, tightly holding Josh's hands. He was obviously lying, he could see how fat Josh was, just trying to make him feel better because he was a good person. Josh shook his head, swallowing a lump in his throat.

"I'm so fat, Tyler. Please stop lying to make me feel better, I already know the truth."

"You aren't fat! You aren't fucking fat Josh! You're practically a skeleton, you were beautiful before you did this to yourself and you still are! Why the fuck did you do this, Josh? Why?!" Tyler screamed, grip tightening as Josh flinched and tried to pull away. Panic was evident in Josh's eyes, hands starting to shake.

"P-please," he choked out, holding back a sob. Tyler just shoved him away, standing up quickly.

"I can't believe y-you," he accused, storming off and leaving a sobbing Josh on the ground.

* * *

It's been a month, Josh doesn't know why he hasn't killed himself yet. Tyler hasn't talked to him for a month so he assumed they broke up, he was so stupid. Today was the breaking point and he finally looked in the mirror, noticing every imperfection. His thinning hair, his pale skin, the bags under his eyes. He looked like a zombie. When did he let it get this bad? How did it get this bad? Josh needed to stop, he needed all the pain to stop. Now he knew why he was so cold, why he was so weak.

Josh ran his thinned fingers over his face, he felt fat, but he didn't look that way. He avoided mirrors as best as he could, and even when he did look in one it was hardly enough to notice anything. Today, though, he noticed _everything._ Josh looked like he just came out of some horror movie, skin hugging his bones. He realized he didn't build up any muscle, it probably all going to more important things like his heart. He was so stupid, why did he let it get this bad?

* * *

Josh was progressively eating more, still faltering at times. He was building back a bit of his body, but it was difficult with the voice in his head. He ended up telling his parents one day.

"Mom?" he said uneasily, stomach churning.

"Yes honey?" she asked, turning around.

"I need to talk to you about something important."

* * *

 

Tyler came over the next day, hoping he could help Josh. He hadn't even texted him beforehand, knocking on the door. Josh answered a few minutes later, cracking the door open slightly.

"H-hello?" he said, jumping as the door was shoved open and a pair of arms wrapped around him. Tyler buried his face in Josh's neck, letting out a sob.

"I-i'm so sorry," mumbled Tyler between sobs, squeezing Josh's shirt. The smaller shakily hugged back, sniffling a little.

"It's okay, I'm trying to get better."

**Author's Note:**

> gross this was bad  
> idk i was bored and i wanted to write smth its not all that good


End file.
